My Yoga Journey
I was never the athletic type. As a kid I was put in flute- and piano-lessons, and in my spare time I loved nothing more than burying myself in books. Sure, I was running around, biking, and roller skating with the neighbourhood kids (it was the 80s, where kids were sent outside to play until dinner time), but I never played sports, and I never considered myself in any way "sporty".
As a teenager and young woman I started exercising purely to stay skinny, because it was the 90s and then 2000s, and diet culture was in full force. I didn't ask myself what I enjoyed, only how many calories it burnt. Exercise was purely a means to an end, more punishment than enjoyment.
During those years I would come across the odd yoga class, but I was bored by the sitting around and breathing, and considered it a waste of an exercise class since we barely did any "real" exercising. Lying in Savasana at the end was pure torture; I would wiggle and squirm, sneaking glances at the clock and my classmates, and fervently wish for it to be over.
I tried a few vinyasa hot yoga classes, and while I liked the fast pace and bootcamp-style (the instructor yelled at us to "motivate" us), I felt pretty ambivalent about it.
How it started
In the spring of 2015, I saw a yoga challenge on Instagram. It was hosted by Kino MacGregor and Kerri Verna, and for 30 days they posted one yoga pose a day and invited us to copy the pose, take a photo or video of it, and post it as well. On a whim, I decided to participate.
I was instantly hooked. Not only on yoga, but even more on the support and community I found in the online yoga community. I was still very much looking for belonging, and I was blown away by the compliments, likes, and words of praise I received. I was good at this! There was an athletic side in me I hadn't known about, but the world noticed and applauded me for it. Strength and flexibility with a side of outside validation? Yes, please!
There was a time when I was deeply embarrassed about the beginning of my yoga journey. I cringed when I thought how much I'd craved the likes and the approval of others, how I took endless pictures of myself and posted them on the Internet. I was in my mid-thirties, still deeply entrenched in diet culture, weighing myself daily and very conscious of wanting to be fit and slim. I'd receive compliments for my body, and it was like a reward for all my hard work. In short: I completely missed the point of yoga.
Once I became conscious of the disconnect between the deeper meaning of yoga—to bring harmony between mind and body—and how I had used it to be liked by others, I stopped the practice alltogether.
Life Crisis
For several years I didn't know what to do with yoga. I practiced on and off, sometimes every day, then not at all for months at a time. I tried different videos and apps, and once in a blue moon a live class; but I didn't consider myself a yogi anymore. I was lost in many ways, and yoga was yet another casualty of my not knowing who I was or what I wanted out of life.
In 2021 I hit my rock-bottom. I was forty-one years old, and all the baggage that I'd accumulated over a lifetime came crashing down on me, knocking me to the ground. I was burnt out from the pandemic, nature disasters close to home, and an ongoing feud in my neighbourhood. I had unresolved childhood trauma, I drank too much, my body was changing, and I felt supremely uncomfortable in my body and mind. My book Everything is Broken and Completely Fine describes that period of my life in great detail.
Healing
There's one great think about rock bottom: you can only go up from there. Starting in 2022, I went onto a journey of healing and self-discovery. I quit drinking, went to regular therapy, and started to make changes towards feeling safe, loved, and at peace with myself. And I remembered yoga.
This time, I approached it from a different angle. Instead of focusing on how it looks, I focused on how it feels. I learnt to sit with myself, no distractions: just my breath, my body, my mind, and I. Let me tell you: it was fucking hard at first. Give me an armbalance over sitting with my messy mind any day!
But little by little, with the help of my therapist, I pulled out my baggage, one piece at a time, and examined it. I forgave myself, became more comfortable in the presence of my mind, and started to trust the wisdom of my body.
Yoga gave me a tremendous gift: it showed me that my body and my mind are beautiful the way they are. It taught me that I am complete, no accomplishments necessary. And it taught me the meaning of life: simply being.
Now
Late in 2024, I received an invitation from one of my favourite yoga teachers: would I be interested in becoming a 200-hour registered yoga teacher? My gut response was immediate: yes, please.
That reaction was a surprise to me, since I'd never considered becoming a teacher of any sort, yoga or otherwise. I'm very comfortable in the role of student; it's what I know, and where I feel safe. But my entire being nudged me towards yoga teacher training, telling me that I had something worth sharing.
I'm no longer embarrassed about my beginnings as an Instagram-yogi. Without it, I wouldn't be where I am today: at peace with my past, at home in my body and mind, having discovered the secret of living a joyful, grateful life.
Without the Internet and socia media I wouldn't have fallen in love with yoga; I wouldn't have found my yoga teachers Samantha and Megan from Intentional Vibrations Yoga School; and I wouldn't have a regular practice at home, my favourite place in the world.
That's why I want to create videos for you online: so you, too can practice in the comfort of your home, no membership or special equipment required.
Get ready to meet someone amazing on the mat: yourself.